Buying a house sucks

Period.

[mental note: buying a house is real anxiety, not made up stuff. it's okay (and expected) to feel stuff.]

Goodbye

My Anxiety Support Group is grieving. Our fearless leader is retiring and we said goodbye last night. While very sad for our loss, I am happy for her and the new chapter in her life.

K - thank you for 3 years of support, guidance, insight and love. You have been so helpful in my journey and I am grateful. Best wishes and safe travels!

At the end of the meeting I disclosed my blog to the group. Eeek! More people I know reading what I choose to share with the world. If you are one of those people... Welcome! And thank you for being part of the support group. K is right... we support eachother and will continue to do so.

Here's to new beginnings!

Setback

I was doing much better for a week or so. Little things showed up on the radar but I didn't jump because of them. Not today. Here's some advice from the little red guy on my left shoulder (the little guy in white has been gagged and stuffed in a box)...

If your doctor ever says, "we could try medication X, but according to studies 25% of people gain weight on it, and I've noticed a higher number than that in my practice," just say no thank you. Especially if you know you use food for comfort. Stay away. 8 months of hard work will go down the drain in 4 weeks. You won't recognize yourself after 6.

Don't buy a house, change medication, finish up a year long project at work and make it through the holidays while working full-time and raising a toddler. If the leader/mentor of your support group is retiring on top of that - just throw in the towel. Crawl back to bed with a bag of chips and some m&ms and don't come out until February.

It takes a village

This is what I tell myself when we are commuting home and C starts dropping stuff on the floor of a crowded train. It's okay for other people to pick up the toy or book or whatever and hand it to him. It takes a village and for me that means accepting help of others, even strangers. I do not have to control what my toddler does all the time. I'm learning it's better not to.

C played with a toddler glove most of the way in this morning. It was so simple and gave me a break. And there were a couple of other commuters who were engaging him on the way home. Thank you to those BART riders y'day.

I'm learning to breathe... belly breaths and then letting go. Karen Maezen Miller describes what I'm learning to do so well in her post: letting-air-out-of-fear Thank you Karen!

I'm excited about work today - I have a list!

Or rather

Not sure what to say here, except that things have seemed better for the last week or so. At least the anger is gone, or rather managable. Normal anger. Anger that doesn't give me anxiety, or rather just a little peck of anxiety.

Until recently, I didn't think about emotions as being triggers. I thought they were the effect, not the cause. But I've realized they can be both... e.g. anger causes anxiety causes anger causes anxiety... ahhhhhhhh!

When you constantly scan your environment for clues that PROVE you are NOT okay; when you worry about your shortcomings ALL DAY LONG; when you can't focus because you're too concerned about WHY you are feeling the way you do (what does this MEAN??? could this be the last straw??? maybe I've lost it; that's it... I'll get locked up/committed; does this mean I'm SICK???); then emotions CAN be triggers.

So this morning I was getting ready to head out the door and my 16 month old would not stand still so I could zip up his sweater. I was bending down to get him ready, my purse was over my shoulder already and the bottle cooler attached to my purse. As I'm getting increasingly frustrated with the zipper (i'm not all that good with zippers anyway), my purse swings over and it all seems to fall apart [insert peck of anger]. Thankfully my wonderful DH, who is much more rational at 6am than I, took over the zipper problem so I could re-assemble myself. We walked out the door intact.

2 weeks ago, that peck of anger would have been the END. I would have blown up - lost it - started banging around the house, possibly throwing something and getting more frustrated and eventually called in sick because I just couldn't deal. The trigger? My anger. I was so afraid of my seemingly uncontrollable anger that I got more upset and threw in the towel.

Two weeks ago.

Breathing and medication can go a long way.

Failing to fail = success

Do you ever try to sabotage yourself? You know, purposefully stay up late, skip the exercise, have another glass of wine/bowl of ice cream/helping of whatever, let your mind obsess over the day, watch too much bad TV, surf the internet too long, etc. etc. etc.?

Do you ever FAIL? Have you ever tried all those things, whatever they may be, and found yourself to be WHOLE in the end anyway? That it's just bread, or brownies, or nail-biting, or internet surfing, or whatever... that it is NOT you that is the problem. That it's actually just a habit... that you are okay and that no one (or thing) can take that away?

Hmmm... maybe this will work out okay after all...

**smiles***

Does anyone actually like the taste of parsley? No - I don't think so.

Feeling better

Powered through a cold this weekend.

Two opportunities (that I recognized - whoo hoo!) to set a limit/boundary... one I took and one I did not. Trying not to dwell on the missed one.

Forgot meds - one day set back. Back on track now.